(No More!) Tears For Smears

So I’m a bit late to the party, but just in case you’re even more fashionably late than I am, 22nd-28th January is Cervical Cancer (CC) Prevention Week.

Now, there’s only two things in life you don’t ever want to be fashionably late for, and they’re both fanny related – one is your period, and two is your smear test

Let’s start with one statistic that might shock you, CC is ONEHUNDREDPERCENTPREVENTABLE. But of all the young women entitled to a smear test, 25% of women don’t attend…..mental or what!

Yet, for women under 35 CC is the most common type of cancer…

35% of women wont go because of the way they feel about their body…

1 in 6 women would miss a smear over a gym class… (who are these heathens?)

If you don’t know what a smear entails it’s this: You lie on a bed under a big light, the nurse puts some stretchy tool in your foof, opens you up a bit and lightly(!!!) scrapes some cells off your cervix. That’s it, it takes less than a minute, it shouldn’t hurt, but yes it is very strange lying on a bed spread eagle in front of a lady you only met 5 minutes ago (unless thats your kind of thing). Your nurse will have seen every single type of fanny in existence, they probably all just look the same now. She will be probably mentally cooking the tea, or imagining the day her husband finally pulls his fucking finger out and books the bloody holiday once and for all!

If that doesn’t quell your smear fear, I’m here to give you a comprehensive list of things more painful/embarrassing/uncomfortable than a smear test (including 100% accurate statistics). Let there be….

Removing a dry tampon – 79,000% more painful than a smear

Reading drunk texts. When you’re sober – 575% more embarrassing than a smear

Stubbing your toe on anything at all – 196% more painful than a smear

Bumping into the same person more than once in the supermarket  – 100% more uncomfortable than a smear

Accidentally hurting your pet – 209% more painful than a smear

Fanny fart in front of someone sexy – 5,000% more embarrassing than a smear 

The small talk before a smear – 301% more uncomfortable than a smear

Banging a fresh acrylic – infinitely more painful than a smear

Falling over drunk in front of someone fit  – 178% more embarrassing than a smear

Finding out you’ve contracted a preventable disease because you didn’t want to flash your gash for one minute – 1million % worse than a smear test.

If you’re still not convinced, two local business’ are encouraging you to forget your fanny fear, and have a little pamper!

Urban Calm are offering you some pre smear pampering in the form of a free bikini wax! Be quick though this offer runs out soon!  


Everybody Massage are offering YOU a free facial, if you go for your smear! No catch, no gimmicks just a treat for you being brave!





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